Re-entry 101

Timidly I clicked the sign in tab. I have not written in a bit, and so much has passed in relation to France since my return that I feel I have treated you unfairly by not inviting you into what has been a rather trying month of re-entry. I would like to tell you what will pour forth onto this screen from my fingers...but I truly have no idea. Let us begin, shall we?

Texas was my official re-entry point. And, while it was wonderful, memorable, and all the other superlatives I can imagine, Texas was not ideal. For what reasons?

One, everything is extremely spread out and you have to use your car to do anything. My soul rebels. I have been living in cities and compact spaces, such as Compiegne, for three years, and I have grown accustomed to the ease of life in such settings. Bike, foot, or bus, perhaps the occasional train, and you're there--at lunch with a student or friend, at the boulangerie, over at the church, down into Paris, at the university, working at L'Arche. It's just so easy. Dallas for one overwhelms and I nearly pass out maneuvering through the Jetson-like sky high tollways of Houston. Texas, you can have your massive concrete creations for the too big, too loud contraptions commonly referred to as "monster trucks" and their smaller companions called extended cab Ford F-150s. I'll take my elops B'twin bike any day.

Two, literally my first day back in Waco I stumbled across the city magazine Wacoan, which since I watched the editor honest to God intentionally not photograph my fellow black dance team members for their coverage of Waco High homecoming I have not been a fan. July 2008's cover sealed the deal. A nameless woman's arms spread open in what I translated to be worship asked me to read "Profiles, p. 20." I found on this page a lead-in to several ads of Christian merchandise, services, etc. I returned home, waving it vehemently in my mother's face yelling, "WHAT is wrong with THIS?!" Stunned, she looked on as her distraught daughter explained, "MARKETING! This is not Jesus, these are goods which can be exchanged, a culture created, and we feel Christian about it!" An article later in the magazine, a discussion between four Waco-area pastors, started off with the statistic that Waco houses over 250 religious establishments. (The article asked a great question--With all these institutions, is Waco a community of faith?) Waco and surrounding areas top out around 130,000-150,00 population depending on what developments you include. L'Oise Valley houses approximately 1 Protestant church per 60,000 inhabitants. We see quickly the gross disparities and points which might lead a recently returned French missionary into hysteria. I have been overwhelmed to say the least at the market-driven, brand-conscious nature of Christianity in the states and in Texas. And I am implicated and convicted by it, knowing that my habits of church selection are formed in great part by this reality. It has not been easy.

Third, I have had moments where I simply blank out and in the midst of whatever I'm doing simply forget, feel lost, or walk back and forth trying to accomplish anything, something. The best I was able to articulate this phenomenon is captured by the following: Generally I function fine and in fact well in physical or relational chaos. I tend to see potential in chaos and ways to organize it, solve it, fix it. However, upon re-entry, I experienced a new one--mental and emotional chaos further complicated by physical chaos and relational loss. While I ran hard and busy during the three weeks of the Texas tour seeing supporters, loving on family, traveling the roads, packing and repacking, I felt at all times teetering over some unseen edge. I am still waiting in a sense for the major breakdown of tears and emotions. We shall see when and if it arrives.

I believe the hardest point of removal from France has been this: While I had "tasks" at hand each day, so much of my life there was about entering into the lives and stories of others and journeying together toward God. Lives and stories are not easily replicated, because they are bound to particulars, moments, heartbeats, and laughs...and even tears. None of us have the privilege to return to moments which were, and lives go on. They have and they will. And that is a hard reality. My particular philosophy of ministry per se has become this: That we are granted moments in which our life intersects with an other's. And it is in this intersection that we are privileged to ask together our questions of it, in the great hope of finding God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit working in our midst. May God grant me the grace and peace to continue this at a distance. May I be as well a pliant spirit in a place which has come to resemble not home to me, but some far away land in which all the people wear crosses, the billboards tell me to repent in the name of Jesus, and the God I read of in Isaiah seems a far cry away from the God we have placed on the puppet stick.

Going (not so) Gently

Couple of "business" items to attend to--

I still owe you 1) a discipleship update, 2) my study of John, and 3) something else but I can't remember. It is all coming in due time but my internet access is limited and my time is packed at the moment.

And, this blog will remain and transition from a "day in the life of" sort to "clearinghouse of France-related information", pertaining to ministry, culture, politics, etc. The sky is the limit but you could probably check back once a month for something.

Here's the latest--My dad asked me how I was doing the other day. I said, "Well, I'm not in France," which is pretty much my standard response and thought. I have mini-meltdowns, beginning in O'Hare where I locked myself in a bathroom and wept for who knows how long. Airports are just a really rude way to re-enter America--it all smells of greasy, yucky food and I want to literally throw up. And people are loud. Two rather symbolic moments occurred yesterday which also threatened to push me over an edge. They sound VERY silly, nonetheless--I changed my facebook profile, deleting my French cell, my GEM contact info...like it never existed. And life has gone on here back in America, further complicating this reality. I also got a cell phone and the salesman ended the transaction by saying, "You're back." I nearly ran out of the store shrieking, "DON'T TELL ME!!!" When I returned with a headset problem, I approached the counter, began my business, then he asked, "How are you today?" Oh, right, American friendliness/superficiality. Hell if he really cares or that I really care to tell. Let's keep it to bonjour/au revoir and reality shall we? Then, I demonstrated for my mother what I felt like doing in the travel section of Barnes and Noble--I laid down on the kitchen floor, face down, and pretended to have a meltdown. She responded, "Get up!" So I relocated to the cleaner, carpeted hall floorway and lay down again. Then she told me a VERY funny story [context:we're sharing a bed while I'm home for two weeks]--Two nights ago, in the middle of the night, I woke up, sat straight up, grabbed my mouth with my hand, and said, "MOTHER?!" She responded, "Yes?" To which I said, "I just didn't know where I was, or what time it was, or who you were."

Folks, it just doesn't get any better than this. To top it off, I can't speak French within anyone in my immediate surrounding. BUT, I've been in contact with some of the GBU women and other friends via email and I found a boulangerie near my sister's house that makes real deal croissants.

But the words of an email from Valerie keep resurfacing--"Go gently." I didn't really know what that meant, but I am learning. Go gently. It is a lesson in and of itself to take those words in...and to live them.

Final Night in Compiegne

I shouldn't have worn mascara today for two reasons. One, it rained ALL day between tiny glorious bouts of golden sun and I was on my bike for a majority of it. My feet are still wet. Two, I cried a lot very randomly but not really until after 7pm.

One of my friends tells me I am very dramatic and perhaps this evening showcases this. After dinner at the L'Arche foyer (house) L'Isba along with Natacha who I invited, I biked over to my church gardens for a silent moment and tears I wasn't expecting. Next, I met Xue out front and gave her a Watchman Nee guide to the Christian life, prayed for her, and left her with an image of God's love for her that I pray he works into her heart. Lastly I returned my bike to my neighbor Vincent, but not before taking 20 or so minutes just to ride around. As I turned up a street to head toward the apartments, I about lost it crying so circled back around and just putzed down the street until I could get my act together. I left him with bike lock keys and a copy of the book of John, a further aid in responding to a great question he posed last week at lunch--"If someone says they are 'croyant' [believing] what does that mean? What distinguishes them from others?" Hello open door. So I shared about Jesus, the chasm between the messed up inhabitants of this world and God, the grace, love, and joy and selflessness that should be present at the heart of every disciple of Jesus' actions. I thought John would be a great follow up, as Vincent is working on a book and seems to be a reader. He was touched by the gesture and asked if I signed it. "Yes," I said. "Bon, a souvenir of Jennifer." :)

Then I left him and turned down the street I take everyday on my way to Le Moulin or Madame Bataille's and again felt helplessly tearful as I walked toward Valerie's, where I've stayed on and off since moving out of my place. I told Jesus I needed him to do this because I am not up for it--my last night in Compiegne. I just stood at one point on the sidewalk crying, willing myself to go toward the door out of which I will exit tomorrow to leave this beloved place and people.

It's very difficult to imagine that in 24-48 hours time I will be in Texas, and that I won't be coming back here for a bit. Whoops, shouldn't have written that down. Started tears...

Today has felt surreal quite often and I find myself glancing over my shoulder constantly to remember. Hugging Natacha goodbye was difficult and we just stood there for a moment looking out over the street, neither willing to part.

I still occasionally think, I could stay. Maybe I just won't take the flight after all. I know in the end I am called to be faithful elsewhere in the season to come. But I keep saying aloud, "Mais je n'ai pas envie." [I don't want to.]

So I will see some of you tomorrow, others this week, a lot on Sunday, some in the weeks and two months to come. And forgive me if at times I might look lost or confused, teary-eyed and off somewhere else. I will try hard to be present to the moment...but perhaps the souvenirs of other moments will also be pressing on me, calling me into prayer, listening to God's voice, and recalling a people and persons that I inexplicably love.

Ministry Wrap-ups

Group Biblique Universitaire—Count it a Privilege

As opposed to other areas of ministry and life here, I hope and think I’ve provided a good glimpse into GBU. But for a final wrap, here’s a go at it:

The Students: GBU met weekly throughout the school year, never gaining official club status at UTC but nonetheless able to use a room every week for our Bible studies. Throughout the semester, students participated in weekly studies, received Bible study facilitation training, traveled to regional and national events, and gathered for various non-official events in Compiegne. We saw our numbers grow from roughly 7-10 to approximately 18-20 every study!!! That’s big folks! We also saw increased participation from a variety of Christian and other expressions of faith, namely Catholic, Protestant, and Muslim students. This is indeed a huge praise! All of these students as well as the core group leaders were present for the end of year picnic, which of all the other end of year student bashes taking place, was quite impressive to have their presence well-accounted for.

GBU next year will undergo some transitions. Namely, Armel will be moving into a regional leadership role (hooray!) and less responsible on the whole for Compiegne. Nari as well will be moving to Laos for her final internship then out into the working world, for which we praise God but see as well an administrative and energy vacuum being created. These two have been faithful however to pass the baton to four students—Clement, Sylvain, Natacha, and Corine with a strong participating core at their back. Armel, Natacha, and Corine will all be headed to GBU camp in August, the same place I began my time here, for further training and equipping for the year ahead.

Prayers and Praises:
Praises all around for the formation of this group and for the depth and sincerity in the heart of students. They are on the whole an impressive, engaged, and thoughtful group and we can continue to pray God’s covering over their presence on UTC campus.
Pray for continued shared responsibility among students and increased fervor, not just in the organization but in their faith.
Pray for those in our midst who are searching, asking first questions of their systems of belief, or are simply curious. Pray for a solid and loving testimony.

My Role: I have not facilitated Bible studies this year but have served as encouragement and support for various GBU and outside initiatives. It has been my great delight to serve alongside these students, speak when asked, and at all times, seeking how God would have me serve them. Whether it was through community building, worldview education, one-on-one discipleship, prayer, or being a resource of questions and connections, it has been my utmost privilege to encounter these precious lives.

(I will follow up with a specific women’s discipleship post at some point.)

Les Jeunes Adultes D’Oise—Learning as You Go

This ministry has had its ups and downs for me personally and as a team member, mainly ups until the very end. Throughout the year since the end of November and the Hemmerle’s relocation to the states, I have worked with two French people Francois and Joel to serve as JAO leadership transition. We continued as Dave begun, assembling young adults from the region in January, March, and June for teaching, worship, and prayer. As a team we met 6 weeks in advance to plan and divvy up responsibilities, and it is only in hindsight that I can say we should have assigned each person the same tasks for each gathering according to gifting. As a team we were determining those gifts as we went in our context and by the end, it was apparent that Francois and I shared teaching and administration while Joel offered his sensitive people skills and prayerful heart.

After a meeting with Francois last week, the future of JAO is in question. From the beginning Joel said he could not carry it on his own, and as Francois became a newly-wed in May, his attentions are admittedly needing to shift elsewhere for the coming year. I will be leaving, as you know, July 8th so can no longer offer my role. That said, Francois will be contacting Dave for wisdom on how to move forward or curtail the effort.

In some ways, this is a “ministry disappointment” if you can call it that. “Learning situation” perhaps is less harsh. Understandably Francois cannot carry the leadership baton alone, and is better acquainted with who would be a fit to replace me on the team. Joel is a kind man who is ready and willing, but recognizes his limits in terms of leadership and so does require a team.

From this, I have the following request for you. As a participant in a local French church and being involved with both students and young adults here, I ask you to pray for specific church-connected young adult ministries to be birthed here. The Oise is much more oriented toward families and senior citizens than young adults compared to, say, Paris. However, the need exists for good teaching, spiritual direction, discipleship, and overall Christian faith development for this segment of the population, as Dave and Virginia readily saw and responded to with JAO. For next steps depending on the direction Francois’s conversation with Dave goes, I pray for leaders to rise up in churches that can help respond as well to this need. Pray for specific church young adult ministry.

Le Moulin—A Lesson in Courage

From day one at Le Moulin, an adult workshop for handicapped residents of the Compiegne area, I have been asking, what am I supposed to do here? What am I to learn? How am I to serve? It came daily, in being assigned to various activities, at first always accompanied and then taking groups all my own. Then it came through community events, where I began learning and seeing the larger role of L’Arche in Compiegne, as a Christian witness to love and belonging. I felt so many times at L’Arche incapable of providing thorough and professional service, as I have no training in anything remotely connected to L’Arche community needs except what falls under the broad label of “Christian ministry.” With time, however, I began to see that while training helps, it is more often knowing a person than a technique that creates a situation into which I might enter and serve.

But another reality arose from my time at Le Moulin. I began to be braver, both there and in France. I sang more out loud, and invited others to join with me. I acted goofy and made jokes and took great pleasure when our kitchen group was rendered incapable of work due to our volumes of laughter. I confidently filled in for Martine during women’s gym class, always spicing it up a little bit with African drums and some cha-cha. And in other areas of ministry, while never being the fully bold American Jennifer I am, I nonetheless stopped being so careful and became me again. In a country that collectively stares if you do anything outside of the box, which I am prone to do, it can be hard and frustrating to not take chances.

As my departure from Le Moulin was announced, I took a moment to share a few words. And this is roughly a part of what I said—You have taught me the lesson of courage, found in the text of Joshua. “Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will go with you wherever you go.” In a land of the terrified and timid, L’Arche stands as a hopeful witness to courage that only God can give as we choose to not live in fear. More often than not, I have said, I needed Le Moulin more than they needed me. And while I was able to serve there, it was them who reminded me that the testimony of God’s love through Jesus can never be dimmed when we are living in the fullness of the his embrace.

Heading Out

Wish I could write more. Checking out of my apartment in an hour. Agh!

Will post more definitive ministry wrap-ups for GBU, JAO, and L'Arche in the next two weeks.

The rundown--
June 29-July 3--Going to London for Poet's Corner and Indian cuisine. And tea. Granddaddy says it's my going away present to myself. :)
July 3--Compiegne
July 4-6--Chantilly/Gouvieux and Apremont with missionary and French families
July 6-7--Compiegne
July 8--Arrive on American soil (at least this is the plan)

July 8-30--Texas Tour
July 30-August 2--Drive and move to Chicago

And here's a picture or two to tied you over until the stories.

Sunset ride out by the chateau tracks

Picnic with Mahina and JoJo

GBU End of Year Picnic on the Oise

Boat tour in Amiens with Le Moulin

L'Arche Staff BBQ in the woods