I had no idea it would be this long between my last post and this one. Time has slipped away from me as I've been in the final throws of support-raising; thus, blogging has taken a backseat to the real priorities of the times. To quell your fears about my lack of commitment and faithfulness to this endeavor, I do plan to schedule in a weekly blog update time once I'm in France so there will be plenty of stories to read. For now, a brief update...
Today marks the final set of hours during which support-raising will be done. There is some follow-up tomorrow at church and afterward, but by the eve of July 1st, all support must be accounted for if I am to leave as scheduled July 9th and attend language school. Right now, it's looking pretty hopeful but still a few details need to come together to make it possible.
That said, let me break it down for you. These posts thus far have caught the cheery, exuberant, high off of people Jennifer perspective for which I am famously/infamously known. I've been thinking this week however that as a reader you deserve a good and honest entry that isn't just gushing with all the things I'm learning, how I'm growing, how good God is, etc, etc. Thus...I am exhausted. Looking in the mirror is scarier than usual as my eyes have begun being encircled by this worn grayish color that gives away my internal state. I am on the verge of complete and total emotional meltdown but have not allowed myself to cry, a technique of adolescent days to which I am reverting for the sake of keeping focus and reserving energy. Ten years of good counseling down the drain. In the midst of being hopeful, in the midst of continuing to see God's provision laid out ever steadily before me, I am at my end. The image of standing on the edge of a cliff looking down into the great jagged chasm below looms ever pointedly in my mind. I'm not jumping because the cliff's edge seems a little more stable than a free fall onto pointed rocks, but I'm definitely leaning forward. I am blank, not retaining much of what is said to me at home about dinner plans, sister's visit, schedules, etc. It's like I look at my mother's face and hear her but five minutes later can't recall a word she said. Needless to say this is frustrating to all involved. And last but not least, my body hurts. Whether it's sleeping in twisted forms at night, stress and tension, or something else, I don't know but my entire neck and back feel like they are a knot and my head hasn't stopped hurting since it started Friday afternoon. Water, coffee, Aleve, sleep, and prayer have done little to reduce it. Meanwhile in the midst of all this, I remain relatively calm and not agitated, enjoying various conversations with folks and excited to see what the days will bring. But, I'm not exuberant. Catch me Sunday night when I know if I'm leaving July 9th or not and I'll let you know if that's changed. At this point, we all want me to make it to language school and all indicators point to this happening, but I think a decision based on support either way to go now or later will release me from my total emotional check and drain. Something about knowing helps me.
There's a list of things that I can rattle off as gifts of this week--more supporters, fun times with my crazy uncle, deep sleep at night, conversations with friends, encouraging lunch with my pastor and his wife, a late night swim at my grandparents' apartment (much to my granddaddy's chagrin), sitting in silence with a friend on the phone while she cried and loving her, curling up in the bed with my grandparents like I've been doing since I was a toddler, hearing of what God is doing in France, seeing my sister...it goes on. So it's not all bad and draining, but I've finally hit my wall and I thought you'd appreciate a little glimpse into this sweet but hard week.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Lest There Be Doubt
The following is my much mulled over response to doctrinal questions regarding my stance on "eternal security." I don't much prefer the term because I think it does little to convey the depths of beauty found in an invitation to be Jesus' disciple and, frankly, because I'm difficult, a handful really. Nonetheless, I respond below:
"No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand, 'til he returns or calls me home, this is the power of Christ in me."
For me, to consider the question of eternal security is first and foremost to consider the question of justification, the imputation of Christ's righteousness onto lousy sinners such as myself. Ephesians 2:1-10 speaks to the great grace, expansive love, and beautiful mercy as displayed in God's redemption of his creations through his Son's work, not of ours, not the Church's, but alone, Christ's. In taking this passage in, there is no way to get around the old Baptist standard "once saved, always saved" which to this day I think is an awful and trite way of expressing the magnificent redemption as can only be had in the love and sacrifice of Jesus. Suffice it to say, Scripture speaks to eternal security undoubtedly. As a human, I have hesitated around the question because of the following:
1) My sense of justice is skewed. It makes no sense to me that in walking away from something so dear such as Jesus and His way that one does not pay for this somehow. Whether because of apathy, lifestyle, blatant rebellion, a human sense of justice would offer that the concept of "eternal security" is one that simply cannot be--where is the justice? Perhaps some of my struggle here comes from personal experience, never a good place to begin forming one's theology but nonetheless a shaping influence. As a child, a Christian person close to me hurt me deeply and several others too and in all boldness I let them know that I believed they would be going to hell. I did not yell it but calmly stated it as fact; there was no way that I could understand how their wounding actions would not go unpaid for in eternal and determinate ways. A product of one too many revival preachers at my elementary school, a fiery hell seemed to me the best way to seal the judgment deal. Tied to healing from that experience but also to a more Scripturally formed sense of justice, I come to see that we people walking earth will never get God's justice right. Consider Matthew 22:1-14 wherein Jesus describes the wedding feast, a likening unto what God's eternal Kingdom will be. I imagine heaven will be a mix of folks we are all surprised by, that there will be people missing that we were sure were dressed for the wedding feast, there are others there we are sure were not, and a few in between--it will be glorious because it will be the ultimate display of God's sense of justice and not ours. It will be one in which the meaning of eternal security is fully unfolded before our eyes in who we gather alongside with to worship. For temporal times, it seems quite wrong to me. My flesh wants more of myself and others if we are going to follow Jesus; but God asks simply for us and for our being aligned with his ways and justice, not ours.
2) As I Corinthians 1 speaks to, the Gospel and wisdom of God is great folly to those looking on. There is NOTHING about the way God has chosen to call children his that makes sense--it leaves some out, it isn't fair, there is no grading rubric, in the end our works are burned, someone else did all the work for us and we need only respond. Being a person who messes up frequently, who looks in the mirror and sees more often than not all the reasons God can't love or have me as I am, I take this to also be a part of the human experience--that in coming to terms with our issues, fallenness, neuroses, sins, addictions, brokenness, etc.--however one talks about it--our finite minds cannot possibly grasp at the mystery that is grace and the redemption that is LIFE!!! Instead, we use ourselves as excuses for why we cannot possibly come to know and hunger after God rather than see that's never what it was about in the first place. Israelites made sacrifices for purification, Jews followed (follow) rituals, many good people today seek merely an ethic for good/just living; this is never it and cannot be it if we are to take what God offers freely and at his word. Jesus said, "Come unto me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." In light of the question of eternal security, his invitation is unto himself and into a life of freedom that says candidly "Someone else has my back"--that person being Jesus. As Christians, then, we are pressed into living a life worthy of his calling as I John, James, Ephesians, etc. so openly remind us--to whom much is given much is required. But we (I) must remember that what was given was given freely not to a person that is so good or right but that God decided to extend grace and security to persons who when faced with their inadequacies come to know because of miraculous encounters with Jesus that God's love is larger, his grace is sufficient, his kindness is our cause for repentance and holy adoration.
Yes, then, I believe in eternal security because of the nature of God, the realities of his justice, and the truth and implications of justification in Jesus. Scripture is not always easy to deal with--Jesus says you will know a tree by its fruits, we will be justified and condemned by our words, James says show me faith and I will show you works, God calls for sacrifice in the OT and faith in the NT--and these are not easy to handle. I (we) as Christians want to see all of what is written in Scripture aligned in reality, but we have to recognize that this simply cannot be in a fallen and messed up world. Thus, I rest in knowing and believing the work of Jesus is enough--I like to call it the "great enoughness of Jesus", a lay person's term for all the fancy words theologians give us. Daily I face the question in myself, is he enough, and at the end of the day, I have to believe he is, less because I see it in my life but more because I trust his word and his sacrifice and his desire for me even when the proverbial reflection says "and can it be?"
"No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand, 'til he returns or calls me home, this is the power of Christ in me."
For me, to consider the question of eternal security is first and foremost to consider the question of justification, the imputation of Christ's righteousness onto lousy sinners such as myself. Ephesians 2:1-10 speaks to the great grace, expansive love, and beautiful mercy as displayed in God's redemption of his creations through his Son's work, not of ours, not the Church's, but alone, Christ's. In taking this passage in, there is no way to get around the old Baptist standard "once saved, always saved" which to this day I think is an awful and trite way of expressing the magnificent redemption as can only be had in the love and sacrifice of Jesus. Suffice it to say, Scripture speaks to eternal security undoubtedly. As a human, I have hesitated around the question because of the following:
1) My sense of justice is skewed. It makes no sense to me that in walking away from something so dear such as Jesus and His way that one does not pay for this somehow. Whether because of apathy, lifestyle, blatant rebellion, a human sense of justice would offer that the concept of "eternal security" is one that simply cannot be--where is the justice? Perhaps some of my struggle here comes from personal experience, never a good place to begin forming one's theology but nonetheless a shaping influence. As a child, a Christian person close to me hurt me deeply and several others too and in all boldness I let them know that I believed they would be going to hell. I did not yell it but calmly stated it as fact; there was no way that I could understand how their wounding actions would not go unpaid for in eternal and determinate ways. A product of one too many revival preachers at my elementary school, a fiery hell seemed to me the best way to seal the judgment deal. Tied to healing from that experience but also to a more Scripturally formed sense of justice, I come to see that we people walking earth will never get God's justice right. Consider Matthew 22:1-14 wherein Jesus describes the wedding feast, a likening unto what God's eternal Kingdom will be. I imagine heaven will be a mix of folks we are all surprised by, that there will be people missing that we were sure were dressed for the wedding feast, there are others there we are sure were not, and a few in between--it will be glorious because it will be the ultimate display of God's sense of justice and not ours. It will be one in which the meaning of eternal security is fully unfolded before our eyes in who we gather alongside with to worship. For temporal times, it seems quite wrong to me. My flesh wants more of myself and others if we are going to follow Jesus; but God asks simply for us and for our being aligned with his ways and justice, not ours.
2) As I Corinthians 1 speaks to, the Gospel and wisdom of God is great folly to those looking on. There is NOTHING about the way God has chosen to call children his that makes sense--it leaves some out, it isn't fair, there is no grading rubric, in the end our works are burned, someone else did all the work for us and we need only respond. Being a person who messes up frequently, who looks in the mirror and sees more often than not all the reasons God can't love or have me as I am, I take this to also be a part of the human experience--that in coming to terms with our issues, fallenness, neuroses, sins, addictions, brokenness, etc.--however one talks about it--our finite minds cannot possibly grasp at the mystery that is grace and the redemption that is LIFE!!! Instead, we use ourselves as excuses for why we cannot possibly come to know and hunger after God rather than see that's never what it was about in the first place. Israelites made sacrifices for purification, Jews followed (follow) rituals, many good people today seek merely an ethic for good/just living; this is never it and cannot be it if we are to take what God offers freely and at his word. Jesus said, "Come unto me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." In light of the question of eternal security, his invitation is unto himself and into a life of freedom that says candidly "Someone else has my back"--that person being Jesus. As Christians, then, we are pressed into living a life worthy of his calling as I John, James, Ephesians, etc. so openly remind us--to whom much is given much is required. But we (I) must remember that what was given was given freely not to a person that is so good or right but that God decided to extend grace and security to persons who when faced with their inadequacies come to know because of miraculous encounters with Jesus that God's love is larger, his grace is sufficient, his kindness is our cause for repentance and holy adoration.
Yes, then, I believe in eternal security because of the nature of God, the realities of his justice, and the truth and implications of justification in Jesus. Scripture is not always easy to deal with--Jesus says you will know a tree by its fruits, we will be justified and condemned by our words, James says show me faith and I will show you works, God calls for sacrifice in the OT and faith in the NT--and these are not easy to handle. I (we) as Christians want to see all of what is written in Scripture aligned in reality, but we have to recognize that this simply cannot be in a fallen and messed up world. Thus, I rest in knowing and believing the work of Jesus is enough--I like to call it the "great enoughness of Jesus", a lay person's term for all the fancy words theologians give us. Daily I face the question in myself, is he enough, and at the end of the day, I have to believe he is, less because I see it in my life but more because I trust his word and his sacrifice and his desire for me even when the proverbial reflection says "and can it be?"
Friday, June 1, 2007
Support-raising 101: What the Books Can't Tell You
After moving from DC to Chicago, I began the work of returning to France with Greater Europe Mission. It all involved the usual preparation of serving under a mission agency--preliminary conversations with GEM and missionaries, making all the paperwork official, writing out my doctrinal statement (as I am a nuanced writer and rather on the fringes of evangelicalism this proved more difficult than I imagined but served to push me further into God's arms and toward France), checking out books on France from the library and reading them so I would at least sound like I knew where I was going, etc. I also wrote an initial support letter and mailed it in December. I read two support-raising manuals over and over again, underlining the take-home points for quick reference. Come February, I wrote the official "I'm returning to France newsletter" replete with color pictures, Jenniferesque droning prose, a prayer needs list, and a support plea. In between that and the second newsletter edition sent in May, I wrote thank you letters to supporters, called potential supporters, sent a DVD to my home church to solicit unsuspecting members for support, sent emails, made more calls, checked the support spreadsheet update over and over again, and prayed. Wrote more thank you notes. And prayed. Oh, and prayed.
Why do I share all of this? It's not particularly exciting and it seems pretty straightforward if one has even the tiniest knowledge of development work. Why, you ask. Because it's hard, harder than I expected, difficult beyond where my initial excitement about support-raising TO SERVE IN FRANCE!!! could take and leave me, an act of faith and diligence that I often do not feel or seem equal to...you want me to ask life-long friends, peers, churches, strangers to write out monthly checks to pay for me to serve in France? Um, sure, that sounds like an absolutely fantastic idea...sign me up.
In spite of my hesitations, my cynicism, my question that this is indeed where God has led me since I was 6 years old but will everyone else get it, my fears, my lack of action driven by faith, here's what I want to say. It's a rush, an absolute fantastic rush to call GEM's office from a lovely beach side coffee shop (that had my name written all over it) for a review of the latest supporters and hear names I expected and didn't expect, to have a dear woman named Olivia recount financial gifts that surprised me, and to tell me an account total that was higher than anticipated. Don't get me wrong--there's WAY more work to do, quite a bit more support to raise, but it's beginning to pick up, and my faith is being stirred and as I've been telling others I am now myself believing, Where God has called, God has also provided--key tense here being past (a slight hint at my theology; not so "fringe", huh?).
So daily and weekly I am encouraged. I see people who know me or who don't know me but know my God giving, stepping out in faith as supporters as I step out in faith to be a minister of peace and love, of justice and truth, of Gospel. And I am incredibly humbled to be sent first by God and second at the great encouraging of others who remind me in their words "This is what you were made for." For all the hardness and difficulties and faith-building support-raising requires, it is good and I am blessed.
Why do I share all of this? It's not particularly exciting and it seems pretty straightforward if one has even the tiniest knowledge of development work. Why, you ask. Because it's hard, harder than I expected, difficult beyond where my initial excitement about support-raising TO SERVE IN FRANCE!!! could take and leave me, an act of faith and diligence that I often do not feel or seem equal to...you want me to ask life-long friends, peers, churches, strangers to write out monthly checks to pay for me to serve in France? Um, sure, that sounds like an absolutely fantastic idea...sign me up.
In spite of my hesitations, my cynicism, my question that this is indeed where God has led me since I was 6 years old but will everyone else get it, my fears, my lack of action driven by faith, here's what I want to say. It's a rush, an absolute fantastic rush to call GEM's office from a lovely beach side coffee shop (that had my name written all over it) for a review of the latest supporters and hear names I expected and didn't expect, to have a dear woman named Olivia recount financial gifts that surprised me, and to tell me an account total that was higher than anticipated. Don't get me wrong--there's WAY more work to do, quite a bit more support to raise, but it's beginning to pick up, and my faith is being stirred and as I've been telling others I am now myself believing, Where God has called, God has also provided--key tense here being past (a slight hint at my theology; not so "fringe", huh?).
So daily and weekly I am encouraged. I see people who know me or who don't know me but know my God giving, stepping out in faith as supporters as I step out in faith to be a minister of peace and love, of justice and truth, of Gospel. And I am incredibly humbled to be sent first by God and second at the great encouraging of others who remind me in their words "This is what you were made for." For all the hardness and difficulties and faith-building support-raising requires, it is good and I am blessed.
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