I'm going to add to this blog hopefully before Christmas, and I even have pictures to go with the stories...but I get a rush off of people and while the ink is flowing in my head thought I'd get it down here for you. I hope you will appreciate.
Christmas Luncheon at L'Arche on Tuesday--the French take at least 2 hours, even up to three, for mid-day lunches. Such was the case with Le Moulin's Christmas party to which 46 were invited, 5 courses and a bonbon were served, and three hours later clean-up was still ongoing. What a marvelous time we had both celebrating Christmas and honoring those who give of their time to Le Moulin every week.
Christmas Party with GBU Tuesday night--From one to the next I roll, onto GBU's Christmas fondue party. FORTY students came!!! That's a big deal. And, the GBU students took the opportunity not only to eat fondue with friends but to share about what GBU is, what we do; about Christmas and why we celebrate it, because of Jesus' coming and being a gift for all of us; about Scripture, by passing candies with verses attached to all invited. We were all skeptical if students would read them...BUT THEY DID!!! And not only that, many asked questions and GBU students as I observed explained different verses to their friends. Talk about bold and public. My role is to support, to answer questions, to mingle; and so I took the opportunity to meet friends of the students I've come to love, to offer those gourmet brownies decorated with icing and Christmas sprinkles (thanks Melissa!!!), and to pray throughout the time that God would use this time to prick in minds and hearts curiosity about the things of him. Join us in this prayer.
Christmas "spectacle" at L'Arche--Wednesday afternoon many members of the L'Arche community gathered for a theatrical presentation of the birth of Christ prepared and organized by assistants in the community. The entire salle de communautaire (like a fellowship hall) was taken over by hay, a manger scene, three different sets, and many a friendly face. What a fete it was, gloriously celebrating Jesus' birth. A personal highlight for me came during the snack time afterward when I met an assistant with whom I discussed Jean Vanier, Henri Nouwen, how we came to know L'Arche, family faith traditions...really great! A believing Catholic sincere in living it out.
And a dinner party--To top it off just got in from a very French dinner party. These are truly the moments I live for in life--aperitif (hors d'oeuvres), soup course, main course, dessert, three hours of conversation replete with all the place settings, fork and knife props, name tags (ah, the beautiful art of placing guests), and another introduction into French life. Most of the attendees were new to Compiegne and a handful were connected to L'Arche. I garnered I was the only Protestant among them, a fact which I don't go yelling in the streets because French just think we're weird, especially in L'Oise. But when asked from what tradition I came and I said "Protestant" my neighbor asked more specifically. "Ah," said I, "evangelical." He knew the term but not the context. I explained briefly we place an emphasis on "La Parole" (the Word of God), social action/justice more and more (engagement with need), and talking with others about the life of Jesus. It was a great conversation in which I tried to hear and learn where he was coming from, a practicing Catholic it sounded but not quite sure what all that does and does not include. After we made our way to the living room, myself and another guest Pierre exchanged conversation on living in a foreign country, our connections to L'Arche, what we do, the life of Jean Vanier. When I said I plan to pursue further education but am grateful for time to formulate more real and exact questions for the classroom he asked, what kinds of questions do I have, especially after life in France. That was fun (and challenging) to articulate and I was further glad to meet another member of the community. (Oh, and the flowers, big hit!)
To add to all the goodness of the fetes, I had a great conversation with Thad McAuley, GEM supervisor, about goals and objectives for ministry, re-articulating so as to be pointed with the remainder of my time here. I LIVE for these kinds of interactions and it was great to get feedback and feel in a sense set for the New Year.
AND!!! In my post office box I got a letter from Fellowship Bible Church with lots of Christmas greetings and blessings, which just tops off a fantastic couple of days. Thank you so much! What a great deal of love I felt sent to me. And this week is not even over. Whew! Tomorrow is L'Arche and French class. Friday, L'Arche and tutoring with Madame Bataille and then I leave in the evening with the Prevotes for Christmas. Hurrah!!! Meanwhile my apartment looks a little dejected but well, I'm okay with that.
A final update on Christmas because I've eluded to it--I was invited to join Jean-Stephene, Olivia, Chloe, Loick, et Gatien for the Christmas holidays. They have a house in Le Touquet, a northern beach town, and I will spend the 24th with Jean-Stephene's family and the 25th with Olivia's. She has five sisters and I've never met them or their families. I am blessed to have been invited and count this as significant time with them and gift of God for myself and for I hope being Love Come Down in their midst.
It's 11:43pm. Little tired but well, not really. But I should sleep. Joyeux Noel a tous. Je vous passe la paix et le joie de Christ pour ce saison. Je vous souhaite Bonne Annee aussi. Quels merveilleux oeuvres notre Pere a fait!!! (Merry Christmas to all. I pass the peace of Christ and joy to you for this season. I wish you a Happy New Year as well. What marvelous works our Father has done.)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
In response
I keep up with one of my dearest friend's blogs because it's like sitting down for a late night conversation with her while she munches cheese and crackers and I drink caffeinated coffee. This latest made me think of my past two days of spending. I think about money a lot and this month has been no different, in fact more. For every euro I spend, it's like $1.50. It's also the holidays. As well ministry and social engagements have picked up, which have seen an increased expenditure to take or give things at events. But here's this...
I dug through the bottom-shelf no name brand chocolate rack yesterday preparing to make brownies. I couldn't find anything that was clearly marked useable for brownies, so I bought the "patissier" (pastry) chocolate that was marked down to 3 euros but still more than the cheapest. Here was my thought--I'm making these brownies and fudge for Christmas presents--for a GBU fete, for my French host family, and for L'Arche. They should have the best.
At the last minute I've been invited to join my previous host family the Prevotes for Christmas at their beach house up north. Their dog is named Aslan from the Narnia movie. They are non-practicing Catholics. I bought their kids an illustrated The Magician's Nephew and signed it with love from me...because I believe Aslan is on the move and I want to reinforce whatever presence of God and Jesus slips into their home.
I'm headed out shortly to a real French dinner with French people, in a French home, all in French, having been invited by a woman who is going to tutor me in French. In France you bring either wine or flowers to a dinner. I opted for flowers and went to the "Rapi'Flore" down the street from me and told them I have 10 euros; what can we do with that? We came up with a beautiful arrangement that looks Christmasy. I'm sure Madame Bataille expects no flowers or wine from a young American who wouldn't know better. But the best way to enter the lives and hearts of people here is to bless them by honoring their customs.
These three purchases seem frivolous to me and I debated each one of them. (I squatted on the chocolate aisle for 5 minutes comparing and thinking. I have thought about the present for the Prevotes since knowing of their dog's name. And I visited the florist, told her I was just looking, and returned later with a limit in mind.) I don't normally spend money on such things here--rent, bills, food, lunches with GBU women, and the occasional train ticket usually make it up. But these are my values--
1) Honor people with what you serve them to eat. When someone takes a bite of food in my home or something I've brought to a party, I want them to feel loved.
2) God uses the simplest of books to plant the most important of seeds, even for 7 and 5 year old children.
3) Honor invitations and count them as the gifts they are. Respond in kind.
Well, I must go to dinner but maybe your values are different than mine. That's okay. But there's this "poor missionary" mindset out there that even on a budget and bad exchange rate I'm trying to dispel. It's not that I spend frivolously. Everything that goes out of my wallet is pointed. It's not that I live above my means, at all in fact. It's that I inherently connect what I spend to first, is it being responsible and obedient, i.e., paying bills and tithe, and is it loving others...even in France, even as a missionary. I have a lot to learn about money, finances, planning, saving/spending, thinking about the future. But here and now I just wanted to share this short reflection. My friend's blog came at a perfect time that coincided with my latest actions.
I dug through the bottom-shelf no name brand chocolate rack yesterday preparing to make brownies. I couldn't find anything that was clearly marked useable for brownies, so I bought the "patissier" (pastry) chocolate that was marked down to 3 euros but still more than the cheapest. Here was my thought--I'm making these brownies and fudge for Christmas presents--for a GBU fete, for my French host family, and for L'Arche. They should have the best.
At the last minute I've been invited to join my previous host family the Prevotes for Christmas at their beach house up north. Their dog is named Aslan from the Narnia movie. They are non-practicing Catholics. I bought their kids an illustrated The Magician's Nephew and signed it with love from me...because I believe Aslan is on the move and I want to reinforce whatever presence of God and Jesus slips into their home.
I'm headed out shortly to a real French dinner with French people, in a French home, all in French, having been invited by a woman who is going to tutor me in French. In France you bring either wine or flowers to a dinner. I opted for flowers and went to the "Rapi'Flore" down the street from me and told them I have 10 euros; what can we do with that? We came up with a beautiful arrangement that looks Christmasy. I'm sure Madame Bataille expects no flowers or wine from a young American who wouldn't know better. But the best way to enter the lives and hearts of people here is to bless them by honoring their customs.
These three purchases seem frivolous to me and I debated each one of them. (I squatted on the chocolate aisle for 5 minutes comparing and thinking. I have thought about the present for the Prevotes since knowing of their dog's name. And I visited the florist, told her I was just looking, and returned later with a limit in mind.) I don't normally spend money on such things here--rent, bills, food, lunches with GBU women, and the occasional train ticket usually make it up. But these are my values--
1) Honor people with what you serve them to eat. When someone takes a bite of food in my home or something I've brought to a party, I want them to feel loved.
2) God uses the simplest of books to plant the most important of seeds, even for 7 and 5 year old children.
3) Honor invitations and count them as the gifts they are. Respond in kind.
Well, I must go to dinner but maybe your values are different than mine. That's okay. But there's this "poor missionary" mindset out there that even on a budget and bad exchange rate I'm trying to dispel. It's not that I spend frivolously. Everything that goes out of my wallet is pointed. It's not that I live above my means, at all in fact. It's that I inherently connect what I spend to first, is it being responsible and obedient, i.e., paying bills and tithe, and is it loving others...even in France, even as a missionary. I have a lot to learn about money, finances, planning, saving/spending, thinking about the future. But here and now I just wanted to share this short reflection. My friend's blog came at a perfect time that coincided with my latest actions.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Getting Real
Hi lovely readers and supporters. I'm working on a post that ties together some of what I've been learning, reflecting on personally, reading and studying in Scripture and other texts this week. I hope I'll get it up by tomorrow night sometime; it comes in spurts but it's as much for me to have as to share with you. That said, I'm just going to break it down for you...
This week has not been good. In fact, I'll call it bad. To comfort you, it's nothing tied to specific ministries here for the most part. Ministry is slow and takes a lot of initiating, and that does get wearying, but on the whole it's been "same old, same old" if you can call it that. But I can paint a rosy picture over just about anything and I've opted to not this time. I can't put my finger on any one particular thing that would have made this week stand out as just very difficult. I'm an emotional person in general but I tend towards balanced expression. This week has not seen balanced at all. I have cried at the most surprising moments and I have not had the energy I normally do. Part of this is due to real tiredness along with battling some sickness that has taken root in my chest; I've even made a doctor's appointment. I knew I was sick when everything kept spinning on Friday and I could barely bike home; even thought of walking the bike although that would have taken longer so opted to press on. The weather has changed, it's fairly cold, not like Chicago but it's wet which means it takes hours to warm up, which has its particular effects. It's Christmastime, which of course always brings with it some level of sadness when you're away from family and friends. But, I don't think it's that either.
In general it's just been one of those weeks when I want to go "home," whatever that means these days. It's also been a week of really pressing into God and Jesus. One night as I was falling asleep I prayed, "Alright God, today, let's talk about it. It hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been good. I need you desperately right now and I have no idea what my needs are other than that I can feel something is off."
And when I've thought the badness has passed, like a few moments ago as I lugged my wet laundry in as I do every other Saturday morning, it comes up again. I had turned to wash dishes and all of the sudden I'm crying for no apparent reason and I just have to sit down because I'm so weak. The song lyrics "Draw me close to you, never let me go, I lay it all down again, to hear you say that you're my friend, you are my desire, no one else will do, cause no one else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace..." instantly came to me, and as I bent over into my kitchen towel I just let those words for this week sink in.
As I had dinner with Nari last night we were sharing and it seems she's had a rough week too, also has trouble having needs, and we were able to encourage one another from where we both sat--spiritually good and knowing we are in need of a great God but tired and frustrated. Our time was an answer to prayer because as I left I asked God to please use my apparent weakness in my time with Nari. I felt like I was supposed to share and be real before her as others have been with me, and I saw God honor that prayer, and well, despite bad there is always good. (see, told you I can see anything as rosy)
This coming week is full and there are some Christmas plans in the works that could be in fact very exciting!!! I'm headed out soon to meet Natacha for the library opening, which is great as we've been trying to get our schedules together all week. But if you would, pray for me. I don't even know specifically how to ask. Life here is so full and so good and wow, I'm amazed what God puts into my path to do. But I think I am weary and in need of care for reasons I don't myself understand.
This week has not been good. In fact, I'll call it bad. To comfort you, it's nothing tied to specific ministries here for the most part. Ministry is slow and takes a lot of initiating, and that does get wearying, but on the whole it's been "same old, same old" if you can call it that. But I can paint a rosy picture over just about anything and I've opted to not this time. I can't put my finger on any one particular thing that would have made this week stand out as just very difficult. I'm an emotional person in general but I tend towards balanced expression. This week has not seen balanced at all. I have cried at the most surprising moments and I have not had the energy I normally do. Part of this is due to real tiredness along with battling some sickness that has taken root in my chest; I've even made a doctor's appointment. I knew I was sick when everything kept spinning on Friday and I could barely bike home; even thought of walking the bike although that would have taken longer so opted to press on. The weather has changed, it's fairly cold, not like Chicago but it's wet which means it takes hours to warm up, which has its particular effects. It's Christmastime, which of course always brings with it some level of sadness when you're away from family and friends. But, I don't think it's that either.
In general it's just been one of those weeks when I want to go "home," whatever that means these days. It's also been a week of really pressing into God and Jesus. One night as I was falling asleep I prayed, "Alright God, today, let's talk about it. It hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been good. I need you desperately right now and I have no idea what my needs are other than that I can feel something is off."
And when I've thought the badness has passed, like a few moments ago as I lugged my wet laundry in as I do every other Saturday morning, it comes up again. I had turned to wash dishes and all of the sudden I'm crying for no apparent reason and I just have to sit down because I'm so weak. The song lyrics "Draw me close to you, never let me go, I lay it all down again, to hear you say that you're my friend, you are my desire, no one else will do, cause no one else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace..." instantly came to me, and as I bent over into my kitchen towel I just let those words for this week sink in.
As I had dinner with Nari last night we were sharing and it seems she's had a rough week too, also has trouble having needs, and we were able to encourage one another from where we both sat--spiritually good and knowing we are in need of a great God but tired and frustrated. Our time was an answer to prayer because as I left I asked God to please use my apparent weakness in my time with Nari. I felt like I was supposed to share and be real before her as others have been with me, and I saw God honor that prayer, and well, despite bad there is always good. (see, told you I can see anything as rosy)
This coming week is full and there are some Christmas plans in the works that could be in fact very exciting!!! I'm headed out soon to meet Natacha for the library opening, which is great as we've been trying to get our schedules together all week. But if you would, pray for me. I don't even know specifically how to ask. Life here is so full and so good and wow, I'm amazed what God puts into my path to do. But I think I am weary and in need of care for reasons I don't myself understand.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Untitled
I'm taking time to write here against my better judgment, more than anything because I should go to bed. It's 10pm, early according my standards, but I have a 5am rise time getting a guest to the train station (apologize to all who normally rise at 5am; I'm pretty sure my mind and body has very little capacity for functioning at that hour). However, I need to write this.
Several key ministry moments have passed this week--two significant discipleship/evangelism conversations, GEM's Christmas prayer and party day, the first meeting of JAO transition leadership team, and a few more. However, I have not slept well at all, due not to lack of tiredness; rather I have hit the pillow quite hard. But I have tossed and turn, waking up in the middle of the night in prayer and thought much over what I am to say, not say, how I am to encourage, what Scripture has to say, what folks need, etc. specifically in regards to 1) waiting on experiences of God, 2) our identity and confidence in Christ and God through the work of the Holy Spirit, and 3) personal integrity in ministry. It having been a full week and having been tired at night, I've only been able to literally grab one solid hour and a some time on a train to look through Scriptures in search of what it has to say and how God is speaking through it and the Holy Spirit today. I have literally had a few moments where I've wanted to cry because all I want and quite frankly need to do is sit down in some serious Scripture study accompanied by prayer and writing to sort through all that has, I feel and think, spiritually come into aspects of ministry this week but have not been able to. Looking to this week ahead I'm carving out some time for this specifically because if I am not being equipped in prayer and study to minister appropriately through the Spirit, quite frankly, I have no business being here. Yes, trust God with it all, of course I believe that; but well, when you're waking up consistently at night wrestling that's not just invitation to a moment to sit idly by and allow God to work his magic. Since Christ came preaching not magic but the formation of persons through discipleship, I personally have to be about that work in order to be poured out.
In writing I may sound like I'm very weighed down, confused even, that this time has been burden. Well, not really. Burden, yes, but appropriately so more as the "privilege" Paul often calls his ministry. Confused and weighed down, not really either. More needing to prepare, sort, and recognize the intense and significant work involved with discipleship, encouragement, and evangelism. Over and over recently I have shared with some close friends that I have seen so significantly God's preparing me for this season here in ways that I can only now recognize. I am here neither too soon nor too late. And I think with this week I see another level--that we must sense and recognize truly the spiritual (notice I do not write eternal yet that is encompassed) weight of ministering. While there is much to rejoice over in this past week, indeed in these past months, it comes with a certain amount of weightiness that cannot be just cast aside or written off but that must be taken into account.
So if you will, please pray that this coming week provides some significant time for study and preparation alongside the handfuls of other interactions taking place. While I'm thinking about it, pray too for this season of Christmas here. Quite accidentally with my weekend visitor (my sister's roommate) we walked into a couple of masses and of course, I having a rather high view of this sacramental moment took it all in (minus the communion bread of course). But this is what I do when I stumble upon services such as this in France, probably something I should do more in the States come to think of it--I pray for the person who is hearing the first word about God, that it will prick them and something will be stirred. I pray too for the person who has come with great need and burden, that in the Holy Words of God and in the Holy taking of the Eucharist (because I'm pretty sure it's a free for all in such settings if you know what I mean) they will encounter our Great Comforter and meet him newly or afresh. Scriptures for this weekend's mass focused on preparing the way of Jesus, looking at John the Baptist's words in Matthew 3. This is a season of preparing the way, of looking to Jesus' arrival. Pray that The Way would be heard and take seed in the hearts and minds of those searching but unsure of that for which they seek.
Several key ministry moments have passed this week--two significant discipleship/evangelism conversations, GEM's Christmas prayer and party day, the first meeting of JAO transition leadership team, and a few more. However, I have not slept well at all, due not to lack of tiredness; rather I have hit the pillow quite hard. But I have tossed and turn, waking up in the middle of the night in prayer and thought much over what I am to say, not say, how I am to encourage, what Scripture has to say, what folks need, etc. specifically in regards to 1) waiting on experiences of God, 2) our identity and confidence in Christ and God through the work of the Holy Spirit, and 3) personal integrity in ministry. It having been a full week and having been tired at night, I've only been able to literally grab one solid hour and a some time on a train to look through Scriptures in search of what it has to say and how God is speaking through it and the Holy Spirit today. I have literally had a few moments where I've wanted to cry because all I want and quite frankly need to do is sit down in some serious Scripture study accompanied by prayer and writing to sort through all that has, I feel and think, spiritually come into aspects of ministry this week but have not been able to. Looking to this week ahead I'm carving out some time for this specifically because if I am not being equipped in prayer and study to minister appropriately through the Spirit, quite frankly, I have no business being here. Yes, trust God with it all, of course I believe that; but well, when you're waking up consistently at night wrestling that's not just invitation to a moment to sit idly by and allow God to work his magic. Since Christ came preaching not magic but the formation of persons through discipleship, I personally have to be about that work in order to be poured out.
In writing I may sound like I'm very weighed down, confused even, that this time has been burden. Well, not really. Burden, yes, but appropriately so more as the "privilege" Paul often calls his ministry. Confused and weighed down, not really either. More needing to prepare, sort, and recognize the intense and significant work involved with discipleship, encouragement, and evangelism. Over and over recently I have shared with some close friends that I have seen so significantly God's preparing me for this season here in ways that I can only now recognize. I am here neither too soon nor too late. And I think with this week I see another level--that we must sense and recognize truly the spiritual (notice I do not write eternal yet that is encompassed) weight of ministering. While there is much to rejoice over in this past week, indeed in these past months, it comes with a certain amount of weightiness that cannot be just cast aside or written off but that must be taken into account.
So if you will, please pray that this coming week provides some significant time for study and preparation alongside the handfuls of other interactions taking place. While I'm thinking about it, pray too for this season of Christmas here. Quite accidentally with my weekend visitor (my sister's roommate) we walked into a couple of masses and of course, I having a rather high view of this sacramental moment took it all in (minus the communion bread of course). But this is what I do when I stumble upon services such as this in France, probably something I should do more in the States come to think of it--I pray for the person who is hearing the first word about God, that it will prick them and something will be stirred. I pray too for the person who has come with great need and burden, that in the Holy Words of God and in the Holy taking of the Eucharist (because I'm pretty sure it's a free for all in such settings if you know what I mean) they will encounter our Great Comforter and meet him newly or afresh. Scriptures for this weekend's mass focused on preparing the way of Jesus, looking at John the Baptist's words in Matthew 3. This is a season of preparing the way, of looking to Jesus' arrival. Pray that The Way would be heard and take seed in the hearts and minds of those searching but unsure of that for which they seek.
Monday, December 3, 2007
"I feel like I'm waiting for something..."
My dear friends, I've put off writing something for feeling the need to write everything, which is just impossible. When I survey the last two weeks and a few days alone, there is much to relate of ministry here in Compiegne but, well, it will have to go unwritten. Suffice it to say, there were parties galore, multiple Thanksgiving dinners and observations, new acquaintances made at L'Arche, more learned of why I am here, new levels of conversations with GBU women, the Hemmerles' departure, and on and on. What I write below, however, is of today, fresh and real. I don't mention a name because it's personal but when you pray, I'm sure the name is known.
I wove my way down slender streets, whizzing past stalled cars and leisurely walkers as I rolled to what has become "my holy space" here in Compiegne. I prayed St. Germaine's doors would be unlocked. The padded wooden door stood slightly ajar and as I silently praised God for this grace I walked my bike over to a secluded spot and locked it up. Entering the church I maneuvered between the chairs and up the aisle, not stopping to cross myself because, well, I'm not Catholic and it just wouldn't be faithful to them or myself, not the least too the Cross. I found the row of chairs most secluded in darkness caused by the falling shadow of a concrete pillar; I had no idea what was coming so I knew I needed some sort of covering.
She sat there, atop her stool, I above mine, sipping drinks and catching up on our week-ends' activities. Her quiet voice and timidity always gives me cause to lean forward to hear better, but her sweet laughs in between always give me reason to throw my head back as well. After having chatted on a bit as we usually do to begin, I asked how she needed encouragement for the rest of the semester, what kinds of questions did she need someone to ask her to check in with her. And it was precisely from her response on that I sensed this was no ordinary conversation nor that our interactions hereafter would ever be able to be the same. What ensued was a literal pouring out of thoughts and needs as connected by questions I thought and prayed long and hard on before asking. She wants to be more invested--in her studies, in her life, in GBU, in her faith. One comment led to another and I continued to learn that she desires to grow in her confidence to make decisions and to be a person in general. She shared that she wants to be more engaged and confident in her faith, better knowing of God. And this is how she said it.
"When I pray, I ask God to grow my faith and to give me confidence in it. ("j'ai envie de...") I want to understand the way for my life. But it never comes. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I have been waiting."
If I could have fallen back against the wall I would have, not at the shock of what I was hearing but that I was hearing it. Here is a young woman, I realized, asking God desperately, Show me the way and teach me to walk in it. And she has just invited me quite freely into that asking.
Our time continues on and I ask some more questions so I know how best to pray, how best to encourage, what resources to seek out. We talk about the source of confidence, joy and happiness, "le bonheur," what she means by "chemin" (a way), and more. The time has passed quickly and the project she needed to work on has been forgotten as she eyes the clock and says, Oh, I didn't even know the time.
I tell her that I am grateful for her sharing, that I will continue to pray and think on what she has talked about for our next time together. She looks at me with a most deep sincerity and says, Thank you for listening.
I sit straight up in the uncomfortable wooden chair and look towards the altar. I want to press my hand out and against the chilled pillar for support but instead I let my glove-clad hands rest in my lap. I do not even know how to pray or what to pray but I am reminded of testaments in the books of Samuel and Kings when the work of prayer prompted the work of God. I recall too what I read in I Thessalonians this morning about the love between God's people and his servants. So I ask, Lord, I have no idea what she is waiting for, but I pray that you will move and that the desire of her heart to know you, to walk in you confidently, and to have joy will be heard. I pray that you will give her what neither she nor I know to identify. Please Lord, please. The tears come as I knew they eventually would, and I know these are the sort of tears that lead to sobbing and scenes that are sadly not fit for the stoicism of our churches. So I sit there and try to be as quiet as possible, but I cry and I keep praying and eventually my scarf gets wet and I realize I have no Kleenex so I'm going to have to pull it together if I want to leave in semi-respectable fashion. I slowly raise up, take my heavy bag, and head to the door. Valerie from L'Arche is sitting in the back and I quickly wave and walk out.
It has rained and I did not tie the plastic bag over my bike seat. Brushing off the cold drops and unlocking the chain, I pull the bike away from the fence. I take the handles and begin walking slowly to the bottom of the yard, toward the street glistening and the cars passing. I am heavy yet light. I am blessed yet questioning. I am simultaneously prayerful and thoughtful. I know I'm going home to make soup but I am also asking, Where to now, Lord? Where to now?
I wove my way down slender streets, whizzing past stalled cars and leisurely walkers as I rolled to what has become "my holy space" here in Compiegne. I prayed St. Germaine's doors would be unlocked. The padded wooden door stood slightly ajar and as I silently praised God for this grace I walked my bike over to a secluded spot and locked it up. Entering the church I maneuvered between the chairs and up the aisle, not stopping to cross myself because, well, I'm not Catholic and it just wouldn't be faithful to them or myself, not the least too the Cross. I found the row of chairs most secluded in darkness caused by the falling shadow of a concrete pillar; I had no idea what was coming so I knew I needed some sort of covering.
She sat there, atop her stool, I above mine, sipping drinks and catching up on our week-ends' activities. Her quiet voice and timidity always gives me cause to lean forward to hear better, but her sweet laughs in between always give me reason to throw my head back as well. After having chatted on a bit as we usually do to begin, I asked how she needed encouragement for the rest of the semester, what kinds of questions did she need someone to ask her to check in with her. And it was precisely from her response on that I sensed this was no ordinary conversation nor that our interactions hereafter would ever be able to be the same. What ensued was a literal pouring out of thoughts and needs as connected by questions I thought and prayed long and hard on before asking. She wants to be more invested--in her studies, in her life, in GBU, in her faith. One comment led to another and I continued to learn that she desires to grow in her confidence to make decisions and to be a person in general. She shared that she wants to be more engaged and confident in her faith, better knowing of God. And this is how she said it.
"When I pray, I ask God to grow my faith and to give me confidence in it. ("j'ai envie de...") I want to understand the way for my life. But it never comes. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I have been waiting."
If I could have fallen back against the wall I would have, not at the shock of what I was hearing but that I was hearing it. Here is a young woman, I realized, asking God desperately, Show me the way and teach me to walk in it. And she has just invited me quite freely into that asking.
Our time continues on and I ask some more questions so I know how best to pray, how best to encourage, what resources to seek out. We talk about the source of confidence, joy and happiness, "le bonheur," what she means by "chemin" (a way), and more. The time has passed quickly and the project she needed to work on has been forgotten as she eyes the clock and says, Oh, I didn't even know the time.
I tell her that I am grateful for her sharing, that I will continue to pray and think on what she has talked about for our next time together. She looks at me with a most deep sincerity and says, Thank you for listening.
I sit straight up in the uncomfortable wooden chair and look towards the altar. I want to press my hand out and against the chilled pillar for support but instead I let my glove-clad hands rest in my lap. I do not even know how to pray or what to pray but I am reminded of testaments in the books of Samuel and Kings when the work of prayer prompted the work of God. I recall too what I read in I Thessalonians this morning about the love between God's people and his servants. So I ask, Lord, I have no idea what she is waiting for, but I pray that you will move and that the desire of her heart to know you, to walk in you confidently, and to have joy will be heard. I pray that you will give her what neither she nor I know to identify. Please Lord, please. The tears come as I knew they eventually would, and I know these are the sort of tears that lead to sobbing and scenes that are sadly not fit for the stoicism of our churches. So I sit there and try to be as quiet as possible, but I cry and I keep praying and eventually my scarf gets wet and I realize I have no Kleenex so I'm going to have to pull it together if I want to leave in semi-respectable fashion. I slowly raise up, take my heavy bag, and head to the door. Valerie from L'Arche is sitting in the back and I quickly wave and walk out.
It has rained and I did not tie the plastic bag over my bike seat. Brushing off the cold drops and unlocking the chain, I pull the bike away from the fence. I take the handles and begin walking slowly to the bottom of the yard, toward the street glistening and the cars passing. I am heavy yet light. I am blessed yet questioning. I am simultaneously prayerful and thoughtful. I know I'm going home to make soup but I am also asking, Where to now, Lord? Where to now?
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