Hard Candy

I had no idea it would be this long between my last post and this one. Time has slipped away from me as I've been in the final throws of support-raising; thus, blogging has taken a backseat to the real priorities of the times. To quell your fears about my lack of commitment and faithfulness to this endeavor, I do plan to schedule in a weekly blog update time once I'm in France so there will be plenty of stories to read. For now, a brief update...

Today marks the final set of hours during which support-raising will be done. There is some follow-up tomorrow at church and afterward, but by the eve of July 1st, all support must be accounted for if I am to leave as scheduled July 9th and attend language school. Right now, it's looking pretty hopeful but still a few details need to come together to make it possible.

That said, let me break it down for you. These posts thus far have caught the cheery, exuberant, high off of people Jennifer perspective for which I am famously/infamously known. I've been thinking this week however that as a reader you deserve a good and honest entry that isn't just gushing with all the things I'm learning, how I'm growing, how good God is, etc, etc. Thus...I am exhausted. Looking in the mirror is scarier than usual as my eyes have begun being encircled by this worn grayish color that gives away my internal state. I am on the verge of complete and total emotional meltdown but have not allowed myself to cry, a technique of adolescent days to which I am reverting for the sake of keeping focus and reserving energy. Ten years of good counseling down the drain. In the midst of being hopeful, in the midst of continuing to see God's provision laid out ever steadily before me, I am at my end. The image of standing on the edge of a cliff looking down into the great jagged chasm below looms ever pointedly in my mind. I'm not jumping because the cliff's edge seems a little more stable than a free fall onto pointed rocks, but I'm definitely leaning forward. I am blank, not retaining much of what is said to me at home about dinner plans, sister's visit, schedules, etc. It's like I look at my mother's face and hear her but five minutes later can't recall a word she said. Needless to say this is frustrating to all involved. And last but not least, my body hurts. Whether it's sleeping in twisted forms at night, stress and tension, or something else, I don't know but my entire neck and back feel like they are a knot and my head hasn't stopped hurting since it started Friday afternoon. Water, coffee, Aleve, sleep, and prayer have done little to reduce it. Meanwhile in the midst of all this, I remain relatively calm and not agitated, enjoying various conversations with folks and excited to see what the days will bring. But, I'm not exuberant. Catch me Sunday night when I know if I'm leaving July 9th or not and I'll let you know if that's changed. At this point, we all want me to make it to language school and all indicators point to this happening, but I think a decision based on support either way to go now or later will release me from my total emotional check and drain. Something about knowing helps me.

There's a list of things that I can rattle off as gifts of this week--more supporters, fun times with my crazy uncle, deep sleep at night, conversations with friends, encouraging lunch with my pastor and his wife, a late night swim at my grandparents' apartment (much to my granddaddy's chagrin), sitting in silence with a friend on the phone while she cried and loving her, curling up in the bed with my grandparents like I've been doing since I was a toddler, hearing of what God is doing in France, seeing my sister...it goes on. So it's not all bad and draining, but I've finally hit my wall and I thought you'd appreciate a little glimpse into this sweet but hard week.