When Sinning Boldly...

I just ran in from my French class, our first gathering with our correct professor. Last week we had a fill in. Must slurp some soup before I head back out to Esperanto, an international party that happens every week on campus where I am hoping to meet students (some who want to practice English, a great gift!) and build connections outside of GBU. Before I go, however, had to tell you my readers that I'm pretty sure I committed a cultural faux pas today in class. Thankfully we're a lot of internationals and the professor, although I caught her raising her eyebrows without my noticing, didn't seem to change her demeanor or interactions with me.

My cultural sin? I talked about God in a very personal way...and in the midst had a breakthrough but I'll get to that in a second. Madame LeFrancois handed us a list of "Proust Questions" and told us to get to know our neighbor. The easiest questions asked, what's your favorite color? or what is your favorite word? All the rest asked things like, what do you want to be? what gives you happiness? what is the limit of suffering for you (a poor English translation for the question)? what governs how you live (again, another poor English translation)?, how is your spirit today?, etc., etc. In my book, these are not easy questions.

Now, I live by a rather simple motto most times--Live it first, say it second. Thus I surprised myself when I actually rather boldly responded that the worst suffering for me would include having all my relationships cut off (not that unlike being in France...) with family, friends, and God; this I could not bear. What governs how I live? Well, I have a relationship with God and I don't live by a code but according to that relationship. How is my spirit? Well, quite at peace and am having immense joy and contentment. My conversation partner, from Brazil, said in responding to the question, what is your worst characteristic/fault? that she is indecisive. "So many faiths, I don't know." We tended to remain on the surface of topics, which was fine with me because I, again, am kinda "no actions to equal words, no work for me" philosophy. Plus, we had a whopping 10 minutes. That said, however, I was interested to hear other students' responses to these questions. Most wanted a family, a job, stability, thought health and wealth and relationships important; and I thought, how are we in the Church any different? Am I pressed to desire more than everything that was shared? I think I should be, that we should be, that the Church's witness to the desires of our hearts should be different--that God doesn't say family, stability, and providing for your next meal are bad. I for one have lived my life wanting those things. But how are they ordered? When we talk about what we value and are pursuing, when I have to express to a classroom of non-native French speakers and a watching professor what's our and my core, what or who is it?

I struggle and if you're reading between the lines, or parentheses, you'll get that some days here in Compiegne are just not easy. Every day grows easier and more and more I am equipped by the Spirit of God to serve according to his will. But there are some dark nights of the soul when God presses in and demands me respond, "Do you want me first?!" Grrr...we have been through this, My Lord. You know the answer. Yet again, "What are you desiring?" Jesus, I told you already. "Are you satisfied?" Alright, fine, we have some work to do. I understand Peter's frustration with the "Do you love me?" series of questions Jesus asked. But I can personally attest to the fact that God has to ask us the same questions over and over, nuance them a bit, and then, voila, he shows us, My child, you still have some work to do with my help. Truth is, we'll never be able on our own strength to be fully whatever God asks us to be or do, because FULLY is not in the human capacity for now. But that doesn't mean we're not asked to surrender towards fullness. I think the question that could have summed up all the others today would be "What animates you?" Animer--it's a French verb meaning in a sense "coordinating," "facilitating," "giving life to," and a plethora of other nuances. It's the verb right now that comes to mind. What desires are animating how we live? Are they for God and after his heart, will, and people? It is a question I am asked daily and I pray for grace to be able to not only speak it but to live it.

As for the breakthrough, well, I may share that later or it may just go in my journal. I think what I was supposed to write for now is done.