Getting Real

Hi lovely readers and supporters. I'm working on a post that ties together some of what I've been learning, reflecting on personally, reading and studying in Scripture and other texts this week. I hope I'll get it up by tomorrow night sometime; it comes in spurts but it's as much for me to have as to share with you. That said, I'm just going to break it down for you...

This week has not been good. In fact, I'll call it bad. To comfort you, it's nothing tied to specific ministries here for the most part. Ministry is slow and takes a lot of initiating, and that does get wearying, but on the whole it's been "same old, same old" if you can call it that. But I can paint a rosy picture over just about anything and I've opted to not this time. I can't put my finger on any one particular thing that would have made this week stand out as just very difficult. I'm an emotional person in general but I tend towards balanced expression. This week has not seen balanced at all. I have cried at the most surprising moments and I have not had the energy I normally do. Part of this is due to real tiredness along with battling some sickness that has taken root in my chest; I've even made a doctor's appointment. I knew I was sick when everything kept spinning on Friday and I could barely bike home; even thought of walking the bike although that would have taken longer so opted to press on. The weather has changed, it's fairly cold, not like Chicago but it's wet which means it takes hours to warm up, which has its particular effects. It's Christmastime, which of course always brings with it some level of sadness when you're away from family and friends. But, I don't think it's that either.

In general it's just been one of those weeks when I want to go "home," whatever that means these days. It's also been a week of really pressing into God and Jesus. One night as I was falling asleep I prayed, "Alright God, today, let's talk about it. It hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been good. I need you desperately right now and I have no idea what my needs are other than that I can feel something is off."

And when I've thought the badness has passed, like a few moments ago as I lugged my wet laundry in as I do every other Saturday morning, it comes up again. I had turned to wash dishes and all of the sudden I'm crying for no apparent reason and I just have to sit down because I'm so weak. The song lyrics "Draw me close to you, never let me go, I lay it all down again, to hear you say that you're my friend, you are my desire, no one else will do, cause no one else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace..." instantly came to me, and as I bent over into my kitchen towel I just let those words for this week sink in.

As I had dinner with Nari last night we were sharing and it seems she's had a rough week too, also has trouble having needs, and we were able to encourage one another from where we both sat--spiritually good and knowing we are in need of a great God but tired and frustrated. Our time was an answer to prayer because as I left I asked God to please use my apparent weakness in my time with Nari. I felt like I was supposed to share and be real before her as others have been with me, and I saw God honor that prayer, and well, despite bad there is always good. (see, told you I can see anything as rosy)

This coming week is full and there are some Christmas plans in the works that could be in fact very exciting!!! I'm headed out soon to meet Natacha for the library opening, which is great as we've been trying to get our schedules together all week. But if you would, pray for me. I don't even know specifically how to ask. Life here is so full and so good and wow, I'm amazed what God puts into my path to do. But I think I am weary and in need of care for reasons I don't myself understand.