Not My Day

Yesterday did not go at all as planned. In fact, everything I had written on my calendar didn't happen. I have a bike tire problem and since I'm a biking idiot cannot fix it myself. This has taken some time. I ended up going to back to L'Arche in the afternoon to see Sabine at the hospital with others, since I am delinquent and have not done so yet. I was also fielding calls a good part of the afternoon and evening concerning Passion: Paris details, which I was of course happy and equipped to do but had not realized would take so much time. Some items, albeit extra, like buying a birthday card for a friend and flowers for Sabine and groceries, were scrapped due to limited time and no wheels. A few other items rearranged my day and when I walked in at 6pm I felt a little overwhelmed to think about my unaccomplished to do list, yet all that I had done within the day was "supposed" to happen and there was nothing that I would have changed. Except my transportation issues...and to clarify, having my bike out of commission is a little like having your car out of commission. What I can accomplish in 30 minutes becomes 2 hours. You see the difference.

As well, transitioning to life back in the states requires some effort on this end and working according to stateside office hours. So when your day begins at 9am, my second day is beginning then too, around 4pm, if I'm here. And if not, which is often the case, my 6pm til about 10pmish. Fun times.

I fell asleep decompressing and processing the day with God as I looked out my lightly curtained windows at the dark sky. "Well, that just didn't go as planned, did it?" To which I promptly, with some Spirit help, responded, "Guess it wasn't your day after all?!" God and I had a nice laugh and chat about that before I cruised into sleepyville.

You would think yesterday would have situated me well for this morning but it didn't. I forgot to prep the coffee last night so didn't have any this morning. My bike which I thought was okay I discovered was flat again, a slow internal leak. So I called L'Arche while rolling down the street, aware that the cuisine group was all mine today, and said, I'm on my way but coming slowly on my bike. Now, I know it is not good for the frame to use a flat tire...but I could have cared less. I entered five minutes late still on the phone with my neighbor asking if he could help me take care of this problem. He and his friend would come by and pick it up and take it to get fixed. So while juggling a decreased number of cuisine participants, bike phone calls, etc, I glanced at an email which told me an email announcement about the June 7th JAO had not been sent. I wanted to throw ice at a fence (my mother's anger management plan for me as a child). On top of this I felt like a complete failure at L'Arche because while accomplishing the task, I was not fully present to the moment and needs of others and had to keep running out of the prayer and share time on the phone coordinating my bike pick up. Then it started to rain. I had not brought an umbrella and had determined I should not have woken up for this day. Pretty sure an English expletive came out. I called Marie-Pierre who I was meeting for lunch to say I would be late because I was on foot rather than bike. She understood. No worries. As well I was trying to get hold of colleagues to determine how to handle this JAO situation--was it a cultural timing/calendar issue I had to swallow? Should I suggest another date? Could we find one? Why wasn't this done earlier?!

Before I left L'Arche, three things happened. Valerie asked if we could grab coffee next week. Jordane, an assistant, asked if I wanted to eat at her foyer next week or two. Dalila who comes daily to Moulin invited me to dinner next Thursday, which is a big "validated" act to be able to invite someone into your foyer not as an assistant but as a "personne accuilli", handicapped person or literally "welcomed person."

Then when I met Marie-Pierre, she had met Natacha who was headed to the cafeteria alone. Can we eat together? Um, yeah! So we all three headed to the creperie nearby in centre ville and shared an absolutely wonderful time together. Marie-Pierre is eager to get together next week and it was wonderful to see Natacha and catch up a a bit. She's headed to Passion tonight with Nari, Clement, Sylvaine, and myself, all of GBU, and was pumped.

As I started my walk home after taking care of my yesterday's scrapped to do's out--post office, birthday card, grocery store--which is quick and easy to do if you are in centre ville, I breathed the cool windy spring air here that is constantly perfumed with fresh blooms. Since I'm always flying on my bike somewhere, sometimes the pace of walking and breathing is lost on me. I laughed as I hopped down a little side street. Well, God, I prayed in thought, you're using this morning to put me in a great spot for worship tonight are you not? You see, I've been a little cynical at times about Passion, not because I don't think it's great and that students will be refreshed. But here is this great big American event in English for French Christians, and I don't know enough to know how to personally sort through all my hang-ups about it. God repeatedly brought me back to my hardened heart and reminded me, You let me use what I will from this and just worship me. This morning, along with yesterday, was no different and it humbled me to realize it took a frustrating, out of it morning to ready me to enter the throne room. Shouldn't I always be softened and readied?

I was thinking as well on the way home on the question someone from my church posed for a bulletin insert upon my return, how has God used you? I wonder at the question and answer. Have I been used? Have I been useful? Have I been ready and willing? What would I look back over this year and believe God might have, in an odd moment of deciding to look on me as a daughter he could do something with for his purposes, seen for me. I think he saw Natacha's smile, Marie-Pierre's eagerness, Xue's sincerity, Sabine's pain, Dalila's invitation, Valerie's encouragement and peace, and my great brokenness. Then he did this--Plunk! Off you go, to Compiegne, do my bidding, and when you have a bad day or morning, I'll be there to give you a reason why you needed it.

Yesterday it was to be reminded my days are not my own. Today it was to prepare my heart for coming before him in my native tongue. And tomorrow, well, I hope tomorrow is better.